I don't want to be the kind to hesitate,
Be too shy, wait too late
I don't care what they say other lovers do,
I just want to dance with you.

I gotta feeling that you have a heart like mine,
So let it show, let it shine.
If we have a chance to make one heart of two,
I just want to dance with you.

[Chorus:]
I want to dance with you, twirl you all around the floor
That's what they intended dancin' for,
I just want to dance with you.
I want to dance with you, hold you in my arms once more,
That's what they invented dancin' for,
I just want to dance with you.

I caught you lookin' at me when I looked at you,
Yes I did, ain't that true?
You won't get embarrassed by the things I do,
I just want to dance with you.

Oh the boys are playin' softly and the girls are too,
So am I and so are you.
If this was a movie, we'd be right on cue,
I just want to dance with you.

[Chorus]

I just want to dance with you,
I just want to dance with you,
I just want to dance with you.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 

That I could fly from the highest swing. 

I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 

That I could fly from the highest tree. 

I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 

I had a dream

Choices

Sometimes life hands me a candy-shop full of difficult decisions and I feel once again like the little kid who can only choose one selection and struggles painfully over which will be the wisest and most profitable choice.  And then I'm full of "what-ifs" and ideas of pros and cons and where each road might lead.  No matter if one choice has more pros and another stronger cons I still struggle.  With so much debate I continuously prolong making the final decisions thinking maybe something in my situation will change making it easier to move on with one of the possibilities.  But no, it keeps not happening.  And I'm at the point where I have to decide on things at last or I'll start creating problems not only for myself but for others as well who can't move on until I do.  Well, perhaps I am finally ready.  Uneasy and worried, but I think I at least have a plan as to what would be best to do.  I have done my best to separate myself emotionally and just make logical decisions based off of what would be better for me and others down the road.  Ugh.  It's ever so hard when they could all be great in different ways!  I love having options but I've never had so many that I regretted praying for them!

Love this kind of guy! (and it's a great song)

I'm Just A Country Boy George McCurn 

I ain't gonna marry in the fall 
And I ain't gonna marry in the spring 
For I'm in love with a pretty little girl 
Who wears a diamond ring 


Oh, uh, oh I'm just a country boy 
Money have I none 
But I've got silver in the stars 
And gold in the morning sun 
And gold in the morning sun 

Never gonna kiss those ruby red lips 
Of the prettiest girl in town 
Never gonna ask her if she'd marry me 
'cause I know she'd turn me down 


'cau-au-au-use I'm just a country boy 
Money, money have I none 
But I've got silver in the stars 
And gold in the morning sun 
And gold in the morning sun 


Never could afford a store-bought ring 
With a sparkling diamond stone 
All I could afford was a loving heart 
The only one I own 

'cau-au-au-au-au-ause I'm just a country boy 
Money, money have I none 
But I've got silver, silver in the stars 
And gold in the morning sun And gold 
….all in the morning sun 

Personal Credos

•  I believe in God.  Not only is He an Almighty Being, Creator, and in control of the universe, He is also my Loving Father in Heaven.  When no one else seems to hear my worries and frustrations or when I have no one near to comfort me, He is always always there to bring me peace of mind and keep me strong.  So long as I put Him and His gospel first I can always trust that He will guide me throughout my life.
•  I believe in work and goals.  I can't expect things to happen until I act.  
•  I believe in loyalty.  If I love and trust people, friends, family, country or other, I will be there for them even if it's the middle of the night and inconvenient.
•  I believe in staying healthy to be happier.  Eating right and working out not only help to keep the body running well, it also disciplines the mind.  For me staying healthy and happy also means I need a certain amount of time outdoors with fresh air.
•  I believe variety and change to be good things.  They inspire growth and excitement.
•  I believe in self improvement.  Having an education not only provides a brighter future but it's also very important to learn about things we're interested in even if it can seem unimportant.  I just learned how to make a weird ball from an origami youtube video.  It's taking FOREVER but it's way cool.

Something I Still Regret

When I was a young girl and before I had siblings we lived on an island in Japan and I spent most of my days playing on the hillside catching bugs with my butterfly net or bug bottle.  I would also ride my bike, go rollerblading, pick flowers, wear the hibiscus flowers behind my ear, and touch the little leafy plants that would then close and not open again until the next morning.  

One day I had caught a very pretty monarch butterfly in my net and was struggling to transfer it into my but bottle.  It fluttered out of the net and I scrambled to capture it in my bottle but it then fluttered just a couple feet away.  This happened a couple times and finally in frustration I stood up and stomped my foot.  At the precise moment my foot was coming back down the dumb butterfly fluttered under my foot!  I was injured to the core at having harmed one of the prettiest things I'd ever seen.  I crouched down to inspect the damage done.  Unfortunately the poor little thing was in dire circumstances and wasn't likely to pull through.  I felt unimaginable guilt.  After mourning a few minutes I got up to move on to other adventures.  I quickly noticed that up the hill from me the neighbor kids were watching.  Did they know?  Was my dirty, guilty secret exposed?!  In dread I pretended that nothing had happened, gathered my bug catching supplies and headed the opposite direction.  I worked my way around and came up the hill from the side.  From there I saw the children had gone down to where the corpse of my slain butterfly lay.  They looked up the hill at me throwing accusatory glares and unfriendly vibes.  I thought for sure I'd be an outcast the rest of my days.  For a few days I felt somewhat despised, even ostracized!  Eventually the kids forgot my crime and our friendships were reestablished but even to this day I feel slightly like a murderer.  

Granted it can seem a little amusing now, but mainly I just recall the sinking, sickening dread that I had destroyed my little friend who was completely innocent!  Funny that killing ants, ugly beetles and spiders on a regular basis never bothered me.

When it rains you'll hear the birds sing more freely after
When it snows you'll find the sun shines brighter
When it's pouring down you'll find you're self come rising higher
When the sun goes down your star will come up
When your sky goes dark the new dawn will shine through
When storms fill your life peace will ultimately prevail

As I sat tonight working in the temple it occurred to me that my life has had some very crucial phases that I've been passing through.  First was family life til about 18 years old until I moved out.
Second actually started my junior or senior year in high school when I began juggling multiple responsibilities all at once.  Family life was pretty crazy and difficult and I was spending my home time helping take care of kids and babies, cleaning and keeping up the home while the rest of my time was spent with lots of classes, trying to maintain good grades, working, and as the young woman's president and the seminary president.  Then things finally started to calm down a little after I graduated and began my own life and deciphering who I wanted to become rather than just my family's daughter and sister.
Third was when I stopped taking classes and moved to Tennessee to iron things out with dad and save up for a mission.  It was mainly a time of waiting.  It was a time to put more effort into seeing things from different perspectives, trying to understand what was truth and what was not.  Also a big time for observing other families and what kind of family format I personally wanted to have one day.
Fourth was the mission, being a servant, loving, serving, studying, and tons of praying and working with people I may or may not have been fully able to understand.  I had to be submissive and not so free.  Lots of laughing, lots of sadness, frustration and disappointment.  Learning to make do with nothing.  Praying for safety, trying to follow my instincts, learning what is from God and what is from man.

Fifth has been the last two years after the mission.  I have worked at the temple a year and eight months now.  I've learned about finding peace in quiet places and in the outdoors.  I have been both very social and completely nonsocial.  I have spent a good chunk of time dating someone that I maybe shouldn't have.  I've learned a lot of patience and about different kinds of love, and that you can love anyone, it just takes more work to love some and for others it just comes naturally.  In these past couple years I've really become more ME rather what someone else wants me to be.  I've been volunteering a TON and learning a lot about people in general.  I've  discovered my judgmental side, my goofy side, my weaknesses and my biggest frustrations.  I've come to doubt some things, mainly my biggest dreams... but I may have always doubted them, simply not to this extent.  So instead I am turning to achieve other dreams.  I'm about to begin the next phase of life.  If I cannot achieve the first dream/goal I can simply move on to plan B.  If God decides my biggest dreams can become actuality in my life then following plan B won't stop Him.  Things pertaining to plan A seem to be out of my control and therefore as I move on to B God will provide if that is His will.  I am satisfied for now without A even though it is what I have always lived and planned for.  I can't just waste life away waiting for it when I have no control over it.  Time to continue life.  I have prayed about it and feel good about it and yet, can't help but wonder if I am cutting all ties with the possibilities of A coming about by turning towards B.  If anyone else reads this I'm sure they'll be baffled, but it's ok... It's just my crazy life.

I feel like I learn new things about myself and others every single day.  Things that surprise me.  Like not really missing my ex boyfriend as much as I expected.  Or like that I joined the military yesterday.  I actually did!  And not just the reserves, but active duty!   Maybe I'm crazy after all!  Also that I just saw my old step-dad and that I'm ok with that.  And that I saw my half siblings that I haven't seen in two years.  I learned also that I can get emotional about certain things.  I thought I was always level headed no matter how excited or disappointed but I actually had an event this week that left me sobbing.. for joy mind you.  Which I think is only the second time in my life that's happened.  Unfortunately it was a misunderstanding and I was left disappointed afterwards.  I've also learned that some people have issues that others can see and they themselves can't see yet they CAN see issues of other people.  Odd.  Makes me wonder if people can see my issues even though I think I pull off being normal pretty well.  Also I've learned more about what I really believe in and what I really doubt.  I've learned more about my dreams and aspirations that sometimes I think about but I'm not always sure how sure I am.  All this in only a week!  I've had just a slight bit of de-ja-vu lately.  It seems to happen when I'm making decisions or changes I think.  I've discovered that though I enjoy keeping things planned and organized I can also make hasty, even slightly rash decisions spontaneously.... when I'm completely free why not?

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and start my day I might say something ridiculous and bust up laughing... and no one else is around.  Or I might do something I think is silly and then I find myself saying, "you know, I'm kinda crazy sometimes!"  Not in a bad way, just in a goofy fun way I suppose.  My sister and I used to tease each other and accuse the other of being weird but instead of taking offense we'd respond, "well thank you!"  Now some weirdness does just go too far, but to be slightly quirky is good so long as you are still a responsible and mature person when that is needed.  And quite frankly, sometimes I think I'm too serious in some situations.  So here's the latest crazy thing I've done.

Last week on my day off I decided to drop by the recruitment offices again, it being right by the grocery store.  I've been there a couple times, talked to the National Guard and the Air Force.  The intent this time was to talk to the Army.  Instead I met a couple Navy people on my way in and talked to them instead.  Well guess what?  I'm actually gonna do it.  I took the ASVAB and I'm filling out all kinds of paperwork, have a time set up to get a physical and take another test.  Before I had reservations and doubts about joining but I've been thinking about it all weekend and I don't feel any reservations.  I feel really good about it!  There's still a lot to figure out and exactly how it'll all go down, but I'm way excited!

What has my job done to me?  I look at people's teeth all the time and notice things no one else would.  I notice if they have a gummy smile or a shifted midline, and I try to pick out the old people who wear dentures.  I notice when people have crowns that don't match the rest of their teeth and if they are different lengths or crowded.  Sometimes it's quite a problem.  Sometimes it drives me nuts... and I think it bugs my sisters when I ask them to smile so I can see their teeth.  It's also caused me to notice my own teeth.  They're straight and white, but short.  I'm excited though because the dentist is going to fix them.  We're doing a gingivectomy and  crown lengthening.. Only thing is my fear of the shots.  Ug.. dreaded needles.

I want to stand for right, to stay strong when all others fall.
I want to be the one others can look to for a true friend.
I want to be a terrific listener, calm and reasonable despite the extremity of the problem
I want to be truthful and real, not falling to dishonest social courtesies that might lessen my character.
I want to be optimistic at all time and have a ready smile for any who need it.
I want to be always available 24/7 to lend a helping hand.
I want to always be clean and morally sound.
I want to always look back with no regrets.
I want to be strong no matter the storm.
I want to develop my confidence and not fear what others may think so much.
I want to always avoid gossip.
I want to be a hundred percent reliable-never go back on my word.
I want to be less worried and fearful.
I want to overcome my personal roadblocks and become the real me.
I want to be a lady, polite, dignified, kind and gracious.
I want to be happy and have fun, even if my fun isn't the same as someone else's.
I want to feel free.
I want to continuously learn and grow.

So many things I want to be and yet so hard to achieve them all... I keep finding myself lacking in one and as I improve I begin to lessen in the other.  So hard to get all ends to balance and move up without losing one.

I don't believe in fairy tales that end in "and they lived happily ever after".  All relationships are hard.
I don't believe in Santa nor his elves- I've seen a couple too many charity Christmas's and they don't come from reindeer or the chimney... they come from the school district, the neighbors and other members of the church.
I don't believe in the tooth fairy... My mom was THE tooth fairy... for my school mates too. 
I don't believe in luck.  Good things are blessings from God.
I don't believe in world peace.  There is always opposition in all things.  We will always struggle to get along with others.  That's because we're all different and that's ok.  We just do the best we can.
I don't believe in fairies, unicorns, dragons, time travel or turning invisible.  Too many people do drugs.
I don't believe in Prince Charming nor the Knight in Shining Armor.  They tend to have lots of issues to put up with and don't actually treat girls very nice.
I don't believe in perfect families.  I'd sure like to but I haven't found one yet. 
I'm reluctant to say I believe in true love either.  I haven't seen it in my life or the lives of others either-but who am I to judge.... All I can do is hope for the future.

I can hope that families will last.
I can hope ends will always meet.
I can hope that the sunny days will follow the worst storms.
I can hope dawn is on its way after a long sleepless night.
I can hope my future will turn out right.
I can hope for friends to help me along the way.
I can hope my health will always be good.
I hope a lot of things but there are some things I know.
I know I am given the agency to choose and I know my actions will have coinciding consequences.
I know I have a family who I can turn to for help when life has brought me down.
I know God is there and He will always listen when I am pleading with Him and begging for help.  I might not hear the answer or understand how He plays His part in my life, but there are times I know He does.
I know He cares more than anyone else and if I do my part He will help turn me into the best ME I can possible be.
I know who I am and where I came from.  I know where I want to end up when all is said and done and I know who I want to be now.  Sometimes I'm much less than I wish I were but I have a lifetime to become that girl.  It's just trying to hang on to the things I DO know and believe and in faith continuously moving forward.

In the fairy tales a girl is always struggling with typical life situations until her prince charming shows up and of course he's the spitting image of all she ever dreamed of.  He's sweet, charming, agreeable, madly in love with her, rides a fantastic horse, dresses nice, and is of course, dreadfully handsome, right?  Then he sweeps her off her feet and they "live happily ever after".

What no one ever tells you about is that he had poor communication skills, he smelled funny a lot of the time, he didn't really care that much about her interests or her life goals or dreams, complained about her annoying habits and he just kept her around out of convenience perhaps.  When they got hitched they were all twitterpated and didn't know each other that well... heck, some people date four years and still don't know each other well enough.  Then a few months, a couple years down the road she wakes up and wonders what could have been had she not let those raging hormones think for her. 

Oh gloomy winter.  I really couldn't be more sick of it.  With it seem to freeze all my dreams and ambitions.  It could possibly account somewhat for my lack of desire to socialize or attend to my typical hobbies.  What if winter were strictly regulated and only permitted to occur 12 days out of the year rather than half the whole year?  They could be planned holidays so all the kids could get out of the school and play in the snow all day, make snowmen, etc.  And then the snow could stay in the ski resorts all year but never on the public roads and never on the windshields.  Then I'm sure we'd all love winter.  No gray skies that seem to last so dreadfully long, no icy killing cold weather every day- the climate can be cooler but the sun would still shine... *sigh... if only if only.

If I were to go crazy, would you still be there for me?  If you were to go crazy would I still be there for you?  How real is a friendship if it is only based on conditions?  What makes a person love someone else?  Usually it begins with personality, or similarity, sometimes kindness or generosity, other times being able to have fun together, or reasoning similarly.  Sometimes it is seemingly destined when found in family or the work place, or some find fast friends as roommates.  Occasionally a friendship is simply formed to avoid boredom or loneliness rather than out of shared commonalities.  My question then is, once the friendship has been stable and constant for some time, if something drastic occurs that changes what originally formed the friendship, will the friendship die?  If so is that because it wasn't a true friendship and was based on conditions?  If that's the case I think true friendships are a rarity in today's world.  People are friends because they fill a need for each other.  If that need ceases to be filled the friendship often fails.  Things aren't as simple as they were when I was a child.  As a kid, to be a friend all you have to do is say "hi" to a person and learn each others' names.  Nowadays it requires more because being older we have become more selfish and irritable. 

I realized today that everything- and I mean EVERYTHING- eventually changes.  Rocks crumble, metals rust or corrode, balloons pop or deflate, food rots, clouds blow over, rivers evaporate, mountains erode, stars fall, fires die, paint chips, tunnels end, shoes wear out, fabric rips and stains, we age and wrinkle, maps develop, things vanish, and friendships almost always eventually fade away. 
So what's to be done?  Sometimes I can't help but be angry at the world for being so weak and flimsy.  It just doesn't seem to hold up too well, and neither do any of the rest of us.  I want to bask in the comfort of yesterday, angry with today and tomorrow when they supposedly offer so many opportunities. 
The funny thing about all of this is that I of all people should be more than content.  I always thrive off change and variety more than others, am thrilled to move and meet new people, or take part in any new or strange experience... Perhaps it is because I am still running away from losing my yesterdays.

There's nothing like laughter.  I discovered this week that I make myself laugh various times a day.  It would be interesting for anyone watching me.  The dentist has been out of town traveling this week so there were a couple times I was in the office alone.  Now when I get enough alone time I become more silly than usual.  (Those who know me could attest that that can get scary.)  Imagine a nice front office, computers, reception area with magazines and radio in the background, I'm sitting behind the counter stuffing mailers.  Suddenly out of nowhere I start busting up laughing for no apparent reason.  *sigh*  I'm so glad no one sees that when it happens... how humiliating.  And sometimes I just...keep....laughing...

They say laughter is like a medicine and those who laugh more live longer, are healthier and less careworn.  Take children.  I think everyone could envy the relaxed and laid back nature of most kids.  Sometimes it seems nothing can bother them.  If you tell them the gas prices are high, or that the job market is bad they really won't care.  Sometimes they turn monotonous chores into a game, or can just enjoy the simplest things like bugs, shells, flowers, even things we would normally consider to be garbage.  They amuse themselves in simple ways, come up with their own bizarre games and on occasion you don't even know what they're laughing so hard for....sometimes even they don't know.

Oh my goodness!  It's only been ages since I've even looked at my blog...  Well, I'm back- at least tonight and with lots in my head.

So I was sitting in my favorite place on earth today when and elderly man (and one of my favorite people) asked me if I could see auras.  He explained what they were to me and that different colors had different meanings.
I honestly haven't heard much on them, but as for myself, rather than seeing an aura I think a person's personality shows through strong enough either in their eyes or face.  Sometimes you can look at a person and just tell that they are a sweet and kind person, others you can see that they are just playful and are the type to play jokes on others.  And then there are those that you can't really tell what they are like until they surprise you.  It's the kind that aren't very pleasant you really have to watch out for.
This week at work I received a call from this type of lady.  She had an unusual question about mail which I didn't have the answer to.  I simply told her my coworker could return her call, however, my caller didn't give me her phone number but proceeded in asking me a multitude of prying questions that had little or nothing to do with her original inquiry.  At length I finally asked her why she wanted to know but unfortunately this seemed to set her off and she snapped back wondering why it should be a secret.  The uncomfortable inquiries and my failure to respond as she desired left a very angry woman on the other end of the line.  Her voice gradually continued to raise causing my heart rate to go up as well.  I continued to be calm, trying to soothe the lady without becoming too angry with her at the same time.  I failed at various attempts to end the conversation and she refused to leave her number for my coworker to call back.  I referred to our website and in return she fired off that if she had a question I had no right to give a website.  Finally when she demanded that I stop being rude I simply told her I felt she must have been having a bad day and asked her what I could do to help her have a bad day.  I think she was silent for an entire minute... that's a VERY long time when you are waiting on the phone.  I began to wonder if she'd hung up and I hadn't noticed so I asked her again for her number.  She yelled that I didn't have to insult her like that and then abruptly hung up. 
Let me tell you.  Talking to people like that make your work day SO lovely.....  Um, no.  Not really.  I looked down and my hands were shaking and my head felt hot and heavy. 
So moral of the story- aura or no, just do your very best to avoid the rotten eggs of society.