When it rains you'll hear the birds sing more freely after
When it snows you'll find the sun shines brighter
When it's pouring down you'll find you're self come rising higher
When the sun goes down your star will come up
When your sky goes dark the new dawn will shine through
When storms fill your life peace will ultimately prevail

As I sat tonight working in the temple it occurred to me that my life has had some very crucial phases that I've been passing through.  First was family life til about 18 years old until I moved out.
Second actually started my junior or senior year in high school when I began juggling multiple responsibilities all at once.  Family life was pretty crazy and difficult and I was spending my home time helping take care of kids and babies, cleaning and keeping up the home while the rest of my time was spent with lots of classes, trying to maintain good grades, working, and as the young woman's president and the seminary president.  Then things finally started to calm down a little after I graduated and began my own life and deciphering who I wanted to become rather than just my family's daughter and sister.
Third was when I stopped taking classes and moved to Tennessee to iron things out with dad and save up for a mission.  It was mainly a time of waiting.  It was a time to put more effort into seeing things from different perspectives, trying to understand what was truth and what was not.  Also a big time for observing other families and what kind of family format I personally wanted to have one day.
Fourth was the mission, being a servant, loving, serving, studying, and tons of praying and working with people I may or may not have been fully able to understand.  I had to be submissive and not so free.  Lots of laughing, lots of sadness, frustration and disappointment.  Learning to make do with nothing.  Praying for safety, trying to follow my instincts, learning what is from God and what is from man.

Fifth has been the last two years after the mission.  I have worked at the temple a year and eight months now.  I've learned about finding peace in quiet places and in the outdoors.  I have been both very social and completely nonsocial.  I have spent a good chunk of time dating someone that I maybe shouldn't have.  I've learned a lot of patience and about different kinds of love, and that you can love anyone, it just takes more work to love some and for others it just comes naturally.  In these past couple years I've really become more ME rather what someone else wants me to be.  I've been volunteering a TON and learning a lot about people in general.  I've  discovered my judgmental side, my goofy side, my weaknesses and my biggest frustrations.  I've come to doubt some things, mainly my biggest dreams... but I may have always doubted them, simply not to this extent.  So instead I am turning to achieve other dreams.  I'm about to begin the next phase of life.  If I cannot achieve the first dream/goal I can simply move on to plan B.  If God decides my biggest dreams can become actuality in my life then following plan B won't stop Him.  Things pertaining to plan A seem to be out of my control and therefore as I move on to B God will provide if that is His will.  I am satisfied for now without A even though it is what I have always lived and planned for.  I can't just waste life away waiting for it when I have no control over it.  Time to continue life.  I have prayed about it and feel good about it and yet, can't help but wonder if I am cutting all ties with the possibilities of A coming about by turning towards B.  If anyone else reads this I'm sure they'll be baffled, but it's ok... It's just my crazy life.

I feel like I learn new things about myself and others every single day.  Things that surprise me.  Like not really missing my ex boyfriend as much as I expected.  Or like that I joined the military yesterday.  I actually did!  And not just the reserves, but active duty!   Maybe I'm crazy after all!  Also that I just saw my old step-dad and that I'm ok with that.  And that I saw my half siblings that I haven't seen in two years.  I learned also that I can get emotional about certain things.  I thought I was always level headed no matter how excited or disappointed but I actually had an event this week that left me sobbing.. for joy mind you.  Which I think is only the second time in my life that's happened.  Unfortunately it was a misunderstanding and I was left disappointed afterwards.  I've also learned that some people have issues that others can see and they themselves can't see yet they CAN see issues of other people.  Odd.  Makes me wonder if people can see my issues even though I think I pull off being normal pretty well.  Also I've learned more about what I really believe in and what I really doubt.  I've learned more about my dreams and aspirations that sometimes I think about but I'm not always sure how sure I am.  All this in only a week!  I've had just a slight bit of de-ja-vu lately.  It seems to happen when I'm making decisions or changes I think.  I've discovered that though I enjoy keeping things planned and organized I can also make hasty, even slightly rash decisions spontaneously.... when I'm completely free why not?

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and start my day I might say something ridiculous and bust up laughing... and no one else is around.  Or I might do something I think is silly and then I find myself saying, "you know, I'm kinda crazy sometimes!"  Not in a bad way, just in a goofy fun way I suppose.  My sister and I used to tease each other and accuse the other of being weird but instead of taking offense we'd respond, "well thank you!"  Now some weirdness does just go too far, but to be slightly quirky is good so long as you are still a responsible and mature person when that is needed.  And quite frankly, sometimes I think I'm too serious in some situations.  So here's the latest crazy thing I've done.

Last week on my day off I decided to drop by the recruitment offices again, it being right by the grocery store.  I've been there a couple times, talked to the National Guard and the Air Force.  The intent this time was to talk to the Army.  Instead I met a couple Navy people on my way in and talked to them instead.  Well guess what?  I'm actually gonna do it.  I took the ASVAB and I'm filling out all kinds of paperwork, have a time set up to get a physical and take another test.  Before I had reservations and doubts about joining but I've been thinking about it all weekend and I don't feel any reservations.  I feel really good about it!  There's still a lot to figure out and exactly how it'll all go down, but I'm way excited!

What has my job done to me?  I look at people's teeth all the time and notice things no one else would.  I notice if they have a gummy smile or a shifted midline, and I try to pick out the old people who wear dentures.  I notice when people have crowns that don't match the rest of their teeth and if they are different lengths or crowded.  Sometimes it's quite a problem.  Sometimes it drives me nuts... and I think it bugs my sisters when I ask them to smile so I can see their teeth.  It's also caused me to notice my own teeth.  They're straight and white, but short.  I'm excited though because the dentist is going to fix them.  We're doing a gingivectomy and  crown lengthening.. Only thing is my fear of the shots.  Ug.. dreaded needles.

I want to stand for right, to stay strong when all others fall.
I want to be the one others can look to for a true friend.
I want to be a terrific listener, calm and reasonable despite the extremity of the problem
I want to be truthful and real, not falling to dishonest social courtesies that might lessen my character.
I want to be optimistic at all time and have a ready smile for any who need it.
I want to be always available 24/7 to lend a helping hand.
I want to always be clean and morally sound.
I want to always look back with no regrets.
I want to be strong no matter the storm.
I want to develop my confidence and not fear what others may think so much.
I want to always avoid gossip.
I want to be a hundred percent reliable-never go back on my word.
I want to be less worried and fearful.
I want to overcome my personal roadblocks and become the real me.
I want to be a lady, polite, dignified, kind and gracious.
I want to be happy and have fun, even if my fun isn't the same as someone else's.
I want to feel free.
I want to continuously learn and grow.

So many things I want to be and yet so hard to achieve them all... I keep finding myself lacking in one and as I improve I begin to lessen in the other.  So hard to get all ends to balance and move up without losing one.

I don't believe in fairy tales that end in "and they lived happily ever after".  All relationships are hard.
I don't believe in Santa nor his elves- I've seen a couple too many charity Christmas's and they don't come from reindeer or the chimney... they come from the school district, the neighbors and other members of the church.
I don't believe in the tooth fairy... My mom was THE tooth fairy... for my school mates too. 
I don't believe in luck.  Good things are blessings from God.
I don't believe in world peace.  There is always opposition in all things.  We will always struggle to get along with others.  That's because we're all different and that's ok.  We just do the best we can.
I don't believe in fairies, unicorns, dragons, time travel or turning invisible.  Too many people do drugs.
I don't believe in Prince Charming nor the Knight in Shining Armor.  They tend to have lots of issues to put up with and don't actually treat girls very nice.
I don't believe in perfect families.  I'd sure like to but I haven't found one yet. 
I'm reluctant to say I believe in true love either.  I haven't seen it in my life or the lives of others either-but who am I to judge.... All I can do is hope for the future.

I can hope that families will last.
I can hope ends will always meet.
I can hope that the sunny days will follow the worst storms.
I can hope dawn is on its way after a long sleepless night.
I can hope my future will turn out right.
I can hope for friends to help me along the way.
I can hope my health will always be good.
I hope a lot of things but there are some things I know.
I know I am given the agency to choose and I know my actions will have coinciding consequences.
I know I have a family who I can turn to for help when life has brought me down.
I know God is there and He will always listen when I am pleading with Him and begging for help.  I might not hear the answer or understand how He plays His part in my life, but there are times I know He does.
I know He cares more than anyone else and if I do my part He will help turn me into the best ME I can possible be.
I know who I am and where I came from.  I know where I want to end up when all is said and done and I know who I want to be now.  Sometimes I'm much less than I wish I were but I have a lifetime to become that girl.  It's just trying to hang on to the things I DO know and believe and in faith continuously moving forward.