When the tide is low and rushing of the waves dies down,
When all is still and I am left quietly to ponder,
I might sit still and in silence alone
I may dream of my future and wonder
Will I always return to the ways of the sea?
With its constant lull yet relentless change
Will it always seem to call to me?
So steady and yet so unpredictable
So calm but never resting
Always seeking new voyages
And rushing about to every distant land
Aching for the thrill of a new adventure
I look back on the past its seen
It seems to sing to me like a symphony
So many different parts all put together in one

From birdseed, butterfly nets, hibiscus, kimonos, siamese, and cancer,
Citrus, pepper, apples, grapefruit and figs, Saturday morning doughntus and groceries,
The riding helmet and whip, mickey mouse and vinegar, dalmatians, swimming and cheerleading,
Charlie, Jack and Jimmy, the forest and the ditch at the bottom of the hill
Dove handsoap, the toy closet under the stairs, piano basket,
Kool-aid concoctions, morning runs with dad, oatmeal versus pancakes,
Cornflakes, chex mix and homemade bread, soccer practice,
orange shoes and the smell of window paint,
Rocking chair, typhoons and rocks in the rain
The little plants that close till the next morning when you touch them
Windsocks, bug bottles, dolphins and Ranger Rick
Austronauts, bike traffic lessons, be strong like a Marine,
Mellow your jello and kindness comes first
4-H and goat milk, holiday turkeys and the concrete pond
Stolen mailbox and phonebook in the wall
Star Trek, silkworms and the exercise room,
Computer typing class and counselor visits
Goodbye on a motorcycle and no Simpsons allowed
Long commute and unhappy reunions, work trips to faraway places,
Divorce and child support, custody hearings and more court papers
Baby brother and dragon vases, trolls and the magic flute,
Broccoli instead of chicken, way too much salt, loud alarm clock,
Falling out of bed, plastic bedsheets and the big bookshelf
Cats, cockroaches and hummingbirds
Chore charts and homeschooling, work before play,
Too much cinnamon sugar, clean the litterbox, solitaire,
Pulling weeds and raking leaves, first snow,
Reactive attachment disorder, ADD, lazy and slow,
WIC and the bishop's storehouse, christmas on the doorstep,
Three a.m. paper route, training wheels, french horn,
Mascara in art class, busy halls, first crush and moving truck again,
New red overalls, perm and an older sister,
He looks like an elf and late babysitting
Two bedroom apartment, rice milk, vegetarian,
Prezels, frozen yogurt, keyboard, and ice skating
Valentine's day drawing contest and baby formula
Loading the dishwasher explaining Randy to dad
Wierd boy with a smelly, bouncy egg for science project
Explaining bubbles, barbies and Notre Dame,
A pocket knife, heels, and the springtime dress,
Bubblegum on the carpet, stuck in the door frame,
Wintergreen mints with speckles and toast with jam
A bite out of the wax apple and too much cheese and candy
Grape flavored dinatap and dramamine
Logan temple, trampoline, Raine, and lame lock on the back door
sprinklers and athids, biting lady bugs and work and the glory
basement mushrooms, ant infestation and hobo city in chalk
Goodbye Hershey, hello Dusty, Equinox, Amway and Mary Kay
rollerblading with too much protective wear,
another wedding ring and asking me permission
B.C. and A.D., Pokemon cards and nylons,
Fishing and roadtrips, camping and eating weeds, nails in the stump
Casinos, bright lights, ironing board and disliking new ward
Another new start, more house hunting and dreaming of this place
Passing out flyers, adopting a park,
food storage and big white wheat buckets
Beautiful boy two doors down but I'm too shy to say hi
Spanish and track, new spikes and obsession with running that won't go away
Cross country meets, Rancho San Rafael, air balloon races,
Hot August nights and babysitting, marching band
My best friend's dad and my mom,
rides to seminary and giving away a book of mormon
the super stars and finding my place
Chemistry C and elfish notes in class
Power jam, 7-11 slurpees, ice and tape
Red head jokes and jealous girls, constant competition,
Rejected rose, jolly ranchers in science, talk radio
pepperspray and watching the twin towers come down
A baptism and a marriage, so no state competition
Migraines, water, mormon crickets and beef stew.
First date, car on ebay, Burger King and new house
The twins and lipsinc, tap dance and jail in the middle of the night
Three new, minus two, sharing the neighbor's house, a boyfriend or two
Adopt-a-Bear, hermit crabs with painted shells,
Moving out on my own, another new job, Napoleon Dynamite
Autism, self sufficiency, tutoring, homeless and silent movie
Real friut popsicles and hot chocolate, Weezer and artsy shops downtown
Dancing pizza and T-team fun in the dorms, community college and new car,
Boyfriend that lasts longer than two weeks and seems so right,
Brazil, outdoor ice rink, football games and four wheeling
Christmas tree hunting and the tree room, earrings and our song,
Big blue hoodie, new apartment, Rascal and Trinket, basketball in the park
Institute dances and friends getting married, trip to Cali, pink board shorts
Visiting Fernley, getting pulled over, the Matrix and Cleanflix
Long prayers, clutch goes out and life takes a big turn.
Tennessee and humidity, mission papers and spanish,
Country music and different rules and lifestyle, oh so proper,
daycare and a sense of ever waiting
year and a half of milanesa, cumbia, el viento sonda, la difunta correa,
la sequia, el colectivo, himnos y tantas oraciones
companions and p days, alfajores and polenta, obedience service and love
suddenly I'm home again, back to the west, new school, new friends, new life,
boyfriend off and on again, Zupas, MTC, mentoring, and the temple
motorcycles, fast cars, drums and planes,
Saturday hikes, bike rides, swim lessons, violin lessons, running and pranks
Hospital visits, art days, singing at the old folks homes
Duck pond, art museum, concerts, efy, languages
Walking musical, saturday yard work, homemade tomato soup and yard sales
Weather change, itching for a change, new apartment and good bye to friends and boyfriend
Unfriendly girls in church, FHE and ward prayer hesitance, continued job hunt
At last new job comes through, family seems to work out better,
Things might finally be going right, other things just don't make any sense.
But then, thus is life, the list will only continue to grow over the years.
La vie est belle

Oh the beauty of flying.  The flight attendants give the same usual safety instructions and those aboard politely ignore.  The children holler, the fat man beside you snores loudly and hogs the armrest the entire way there.  Generally the trip is boring and uneventful.  Sometimes you can manage to get a little shuteye depending on your seat and your neighbor, otherwise the boredom can lead you flipping through the magazine from the pocket in front of you and maybe even attempting one of those rediculous crossword puzzles or a quaint little game of sodoku.  A window seat is preferable for two reasons; one, the view, and two, ... well, the view.  An aisle seat reassures you of people climbing over a couple times to use the bathroom, those walking down the aisle may kindly bump into you, and drinks and trash will most assuredly be passed over you couple times, plus there's not a thing to rest your head on.  The middle seat is even worse, seeing as you will be stuck between two strangers, and generally that's just what they are, strange.  They could be children you end up helping to tend, or people with bad hygiene blocking off the fresh air on either side of you, or, as in the case of a young lady last weekend flying home for the Christmas break, it could be a grouchy old couple that don't want to sit together but do, however, want to fight over you.

On this most lovely trip I ever so carefully chose a window seat, as usual, and promptly began napping; seeing as my neighbor was a boring business man unwilling to strike up conversation, and seeing as I wasn't all that interested in talking either, I found a little nap to be in my favor.  Across the aisle from me sat a young lady perhaps about my age who unfortunately could find no aisle or window seat, and found herself seated between this elderly couple, the man being somewhat gruff in manner, bent over and white haired.  The woman I could not see from my angle.  They talked over her throughout the trip and passed things back and forth over her, even argued around her but when she offered to let them sit together they declined.  Perhaps halfway through my nap I was awakened by the elderly man yelling and, looking up, I found that two flight attendants, and man and woman, both stood answering to the elderly gentleman's concerns.  He got out of his seat and seemed to have some complaint about it.  The man flight attendant reassured him, but upon finding the aged man noncompliant, the attendant himself took the gentleman's seat to prove the safety of it.  He buckled himself in, and then began to throw himself forward and backward as would a small child unwilling to be strapped in.  The entire seat seemed to move with his thrashing, creating quite a scene, but the buckle held true.  The elderly man was not satisfied.  He continued grumbling and twisting his seatbelt and tying it into knots.  The woman attendant brought him an extension of the seat belt in hopes that he would acquiesce and sit calm the rest of the flight.  He hollered at her that he wished to know their names, claiming that they were an awful crew, but the poor young lady beside him, having had quite enough, also asked the woman's name asserting, "I think you are a wonderful crew, and this man is simply DILUSIONAL!"  She told him how unkind and rude he was being and various times asked him to stop.  Several surrounding passengers also offered him their seats but all offers were denied. 

It was a long, and rather amusing trip, and my nap was completely disrupted.  Besides all that, there was an odd old woman seated behind me hacking up loogies the whole way and from the sounds of her conversation with the man with her, I think age had robbed her of her sanity.  She would yell in a loud, hoarse voice, "what is that?!" the quiet, calm reply beside her, "those are clouds dear, we're in an airplane."  She somehow managed to shove her foot between the wall and my seat, so that I could not rest my arm on the rest, nor my head on the wall without leaning on it, so it was rather odd and akward, but I didn't feel comfortable asking her to remove it. 

On my connecting flight I sat beside a young girl who had recently joined the Navy.  She came aboard in full uniform, and the large man in the aisle seat offered her the seat between us.  Despite being rather swallowed up in my book, I couldn't help but follow their conversation, and it, too, amused me.  He asked her what branch she was in, "the Navy", she replied, and how did she like it?  After a brief pause, she answered rather dramatically, "it's not fun at all!"  "oh." said the man, and he seemed unsure what to say next.  After a moment or two, he humbly, almost grovelling, said, "thankyou so much for what you do for our country."  At this point, the melancholy man and girl with an air of 'oh wo is me' nearly nauseated me!  Being, myself, a Marine Corps brat, I have a strong sense of patriotism and a natural love for the military, and on many occasions have debated whether or not to join myself.  I would find it an honor, an adventure, and quite an experience!  What's more, the military takes care of you, there are plenty of benefits and they often put you through school or help pay off loans.  They get you in shape physically, teach you discipline and leadership and much more.  I could scarcely believe this man was honoring some dumb girl who hadn't even been through training yet, truly hasn't done anything heroic for our country, and is only in the Navy, as she later confessed, because all she wanted was to go to sea.... SO heroic and honor-worthy!  Such a show of patriotism and love of country!  She explained how strict it was and how the army boot camp was across the street, so they had to "set an example".  My eye!  She could do a better job setting an example on the plane!  We common citizens seem to have a glowing image in our head of people in uniforms saving our lives, wearing halos, if you will, and we forget that they, too, are human and they don't all save lives. 

Anyway, off my soapbox.  Her air of drama filled our row to a sickening level, so I ignored them and got swallowed up even more in my book of Les Miserable... Jean Valjean was just getting arrested at the bedside of Cossette who lay dying, and it was quite a climactic moment.  Past and petty crimes were calling for justice, the very law breaking down the door, but present changes of morals and strict angelic goodness and virtue, charity and goodwill were simultaneously screaming for mercy.  Justice was winning the battle and despite Jean Valjean's life being completely changed for good, he was, nonetheless, being sent back to the gallows for life.  The city would lose its good mayor, and thus it's prosperity as well, Cossette and Fantine would both probably die, and the story would come to a miserable end... but alas, what is this?  I'm abruptly called out of my story, the man two seats down handing me a paper.  "What is it?" I ask.  To get a drink.  My first thought was, doesn't he know drinks are complementary?  Until it occurred to me that he was offering me a coupon for alcoholic drinks, which, seeing as I don't drink, I graciously declined but thanked him for his kindness.  What a strange flight!  Truly!  To go from the cranky old man with seatbelt issues and the crazy lady with her foot in my side, to Jean Valjean, the Navy and alcohol coupons!  Aren't you so glad for modern technology allowing us to travel side by side such diverse people?  It's a wonderful thing!

Sometimes I wonder if I set myself up for failure.  Perhaps I subconsciously attract those who will walk all over me or just eventually fade away.  That, or I guess it could be that everone does that.  Perhaps no one really cares for anyone else unless they need something, in which case, once the need is filled the "friend" is then discarded like an old sock, nothing left to perpetuate a relationship. 
Is there, then, any such thing as love?  ...Or is love only a pretty word to cover up selfishishness, conditionalism and lustful desires?  I generally tend towards the belief that the few who truly do love, dish it out to all as though ladlefuls of soup, eventually discovering that all have eaten it, leaving the disher alone and with naught but a hard, cold, empty pot, and an empty stomach.  They then learn to only dish to friends and family, hoping to avoid being hurtfully taken advantage of.  However, at times even friends and family can be the farthest from warm and considerate.  In this case, slowly but surely, all will be plagued at some point with pots full of cold, stale soup that each is afraid to share, so all slowly die of lonliness and starvation if not by food poisoning. 
Is there such a thing as love, or is it yet another foolish fairytale told only to lie to small, bright-eyed children who dream of a world holding in store for them a marvelous future, but who are destined only to get lost in the crowds busily wandering the dull, gloomy streets?  Those with enough reason and logic, or maybe just enough experience to rule out hope, might one day find themselves cruelly swearing off all and any allegiance, companionship and relationship, becoming instead invested and enamored with work... seeing as it is a more trustworthy and rewarding connection, thereby working themselves into the grave, depending on none other than themselves.

How, then, do we cure the world of food poisoning?  Is there any such thing as love? 

When I'm worried

And I can't sleep

I count my blessing instead of sheep

And I fall asleep counting my blessings.

When my bankroll
Is getting small

I think of when

I had none at all

And I fall asleep

Counting my blessings

I think about a nursery

And I picture curly heads

And one by one I count them

As they slumber,

In their beds

If you're worried,

And you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep

Counting your blessings

-Rosemary Clooney

Too many nights I can't sleep.  Maybe I worry, but I think I just overanalyze my day, my friends, my family, my work, my school, my problems, my ideas, my goals and dreams, and then I have nights like this when I don't want to go to sleep because I'm too busy thinking.  It could just be that I know I don't have to get up early, but I get thinking about good things, too, like the people I love, like people I miss, and people I care about but might not ever see again.  I wonder where they are, where life has carried them.  I wonder where different choices would have carried me.  And after I think about the past I dream of the future.  I think of possible jobs, if I'll like them or not, wonder if I'll keep doing the same things much longer.  But then I wonder about things I can learn and study, places I can go and visit, new things I can do, new adventures I can go on.  What if I went rockclimbing or rafting down the grand canyon?  Or what if I went on a week long backpacking trip?  Where could I go to ride an elephant?  I wonder if they smell funny?  But then I wonder even so far as to future family, who and when will I marry?  How many kids will I have?  Will they be curly headed blondes?  Will they love to do the things I did when I was little?  Will they be sweet or stubborn?  Then I wonder what my house will be like, what pets we'll have, where I'll live, where my brothers and sisters will go, what they'll study.  It's amazing to think just how different everything could be in a few years.  So much has changed since high school, or even in this past year.  One never knows!  So I fall asleep counting my blessings.  I'm so happy to be where I am, know all I do, and have so many fantastic opportunities.  And sometimes the most beautiful thing it the world is looking out the window and seeing the sun shining down making even the gloomier days bright and clear!

I'm restless.  Day turns to night, the sun sets behind the great, white powdered mountains.  The green fades to gray, the leaves all slip away.  Days shorten, the cold nights are steadily longer.  I fight to maintain my summer mood, still yearn to see the sun rise each day, only wishing it would last longer.  My life is ever changing, yet still at a stand-still.  Fighting these road blocks and trying to ignore the ambulence lights going off in my head. 
Where's the sun?  They seem to think they can compensate for the bad weather by stringing up bright shining lights, and true, they do lighten the mood and cause excitement, but they don't warm my face when I look at them, they don't bring back the green, the Saturday hikes, nor the free feeling of flying down the road on two wheels, or hearing my feet pounding out the miles in the community races.  Funny how everyone else is finally waking up, speeding along in life, while I've come to confused stop, but why? 

Something's not right.  I can't seem to move and I don't know where I am.  I try to express myself but the faces around me are strange and don't comprehend my slurred words, incohesively pouring out.  Where am I?  What happened?  Did I do this or what is it that happened?  Why the commotion?  I'd love to help, but I think I'm the one they're trying to figure out.  Was it the snowy roads?  A drunk driver?  Was I texting again?  I can't seem to remember.  Where's my....?  But then who was with me?  Not family, not friend, was there someone even along the way?  I'm always so careful to follow the lines, be considerate of other drivers, follow the lights and signs, follow detours and traffic laws even when they seem trivial, so would could possibly have landed me here at such a dead end destination?  I must have missed something somewhere along the way, I guess there's only so much retrospection until you come to the point where it doesn't matter, you are where you are and can only wonder, what next?  Will I somehow always be inhibited for this, or will I move on from it only wiser and more experienced?  What am I to do to move on from here?  Perhaps I did nothing wrong, and this is merely the course my life must take, but what if I did?  Won't someone tell me?  Or was it someone else?  Did I get hit?  Or was it a mere turn of nature against me?

Where is the sun?  I can't seem to see, and I'm blindly groping about for the right way to turn, trying to determine my route or even recall where it was I wanted to go.  I seem to have no one to guide me.  They all offer opinions, "go left", "go right", "no, turn another 45 degrees", "actually go the opposite direction".  Do I even know who you are?  Where are you directing me?  Who am I to go to?  Is there anyone I can fully trust to find my way, especially when I don't recall my destination?  So I cover my ears, and stand still, trying to recall some glimpse of a memory to hold to despite the ambulence lights again going off in my head.  I can't trust the dark world yelling about me, not one inch of it, and I haven't any experience to go off of, but perhaps if I can simply make decisions and stand by them, at least I'll arrive somewhere, right?  I only hope it's a good place, where night doesn't prevail, where I can see the green again and feel the warmth of the sun  on my face.